I have a plan

I cant take living any longer, I'm so tired. I just want to sleep...for ever. I'm tired of hurting me and those around me. I ask for to much, I don't understand how relationships are supposed to work. People ask for honesty but that is not what they really want. They want the soft lies that will make them feel better. They don't want to know how you feel, not really. It is just politeness that causes people to ask how you are. They don't really want to know, they have their own problems they are trying to figure out they don't want to know yours.

Honesty. How I hate this word it ranks right up there with faith and hope. But I suppose if you really look at it those words all fall in the same category, trust. Trust, that is a joke. I don't want to try to trust anyone ever again all it does it hurt me an make another part of my soul hunger for the peace that i so crave. I hate this life, I'm ready to end it so that i may start a new one. Maybe I wont hurt so much, I'm so tired. I cant stand this pain that I feel, this pain that wants me, I don't know why. I don't understand why it follows me. In every relationship I have i can not get away from it. I am so guarded now that I'm afraid to let anyone else in ever. Even small children because they will grow up to become hurtful self-centered adults. I don't want to have anyone, no let me restate that I will not let another person hurt me.

If by my birthday I dont feel better about this world Im leaving it. Why spend another year feeling this way, why spend a life time feeling this way? I will not continue on this path, I would stay but I do not know how to stop the feelings. I'm so tired.

I don't want to hurt anyone, ever. I try to be myself in relationships and this is not what people want of me so I change myself to fit their idea of me. It makes both of us unhappy, the reason they liked me in the first place is because of my free spirit, but I start feeling tied down by the constraints they want me to have. They tell me to be myself that is what they like about me the most, and then get mad cause I do. They tell me to go ahead do what i like they understand and its alright then turn around in almost the same breath and say why are you acting like that. So I subdue myself and then I'm boring and not any fun to be around, what the Hell do they want from me.

I'm tired of living by others time, when its good for them, when its not. Waiting to see where a relationship goes, goes where i wonder? Either you have a relationship or your stringing someone along. Which is it, make the commitment or don't come back and Fuck with me.  Why do I let people do this to me. Why am i not good enough. Someone please tell me.

I'm tired and I have a Plan.

Figuring it out.

I feel like Ive been run over with the same truck that got me before. I don't understand the need to continue this hurt, the feelings of shame and the guilt that I feel is unmeasurable. Why does he ask questions that continue to make me feel he has no trust for me. He was gone for 9 weeks 6 days. He lost his right to question me about the things I do, the people I talk to, and the reasons I talk to them. He has no right to question who I have as a friend. He has no right to make me feel small in his inability to deal with his emotions. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have nothing to be shameful of, I am a good person and deserve to be treated with trust and love in a relationship. He is the one who left me, alone with no answers.

I wonder if he thinks he needs to keep it going just cause of the game. 

Why do I have to feel bad in this relationship. Why does he want to make me feel bad. Why does he continue to questions my friendships with guys, I don't want relationships with other guys. Why does he get to be moody about this. Why do I feel I keep having to explain myself to him. He has lots of friends on here. He has said so himself that he had convos with other girls was after i would go to sleep. Talking to them on ventrilo, a place i choose not to go, because of the past. I don't want this, I don't want to feel like i have to defend myself on a constant basis. I'm tired of crying, I shouldn't have to anymore. He was the who left  me with out a reason, he is the one who will not tell me about those 9 weeks and 6 days. He owes me an explanation for the hurt he caused me,  the pain i felt everyday he was gone. How dare he make me feel small, like  was doing something wrong. I did not disappear, and show up like nothing happened.

Im am tired of being called a lair. Im tired of asking for small things, like having a set date night, seeing each other on google once a week, what song I remind him of or sweet words. He still owes me a poem or two, he says that he put them away and he will get them out and send them to me. Does he even knows what I like, or desire.

Why did he come back really...is it revenge that is best served cold. What does he want just someone to talk to. I can do that, but if he wants more he needs to say it soon. he has 2o days to figure it out. Or I will figure it out for him.

My Black Heart

Ah Oh, here comes that feeling again, that dark shadow that eclipses my heart. I'm in that tail spin falling down into the darkness, hear me cry "help". I awaken at night and feel its weight, a burden that I carry. Knowing that others will never know how or why I feel this way. Shit, I don't even understand it at times, don't know what kicks it off. I am to close to myself to see the triggers, but in this matter I will never be able to back away from the picture far enough to see the cause. I wish there was a way that I could explain it to others so they could help me, bah there is no help for me. The erg to cut is back, to bleed out the pain. It is weird to think that hurting myself will make me feel better.

I don't know why I buy food, I just let it spoil. My freezer is so  full, I cant put more into it. I know I need to eat but when everything taste like crap who wants to put that into there mouth. I have tried very spicy, all the way to bland, sweet and then sour, salty nothing taste different. I know I'm very depressed, probably on the verge of another hospital visit...I wish I could just stay there on meds that make act like a zombie, so I don't have to feel, anything ever again.There is no one to take care of me if I went this route, and I cant stand to have even the thought of having my mother care for me. I have passed this melancholia on to my oldest son, he was just in the hospital for thinking about things that I do. I feel so guilty, I did not show him how to ask for help, I only showed him to hide the feelings. My youngest son wrote on Facebook " .i have really messed up friends and family (immediate, extended can all go to hell, at least on my moms side...i don't like them they are evil)". What things have my ex-husband said to him. Ah, my ex-husband, he could not get along with his family so he made getting along with mine as equally turbulent. My son does not even really know my family, not that I'm sticking up for them cause most of them are fucked up. But his Dad made/makes it very hard for any of them to get close to him. I should have left him when the kids where little. But I cant go back in time, I need to find a way to bridge the gap I created with them. Just don't know how, was taught by example to either hold it in or explode. Neither is conducive to relationships, I know this, but when I open my mouth to ask for help nothing comes out, they only thing that comes out are tears and you cant express yourself to others with them. Cause they don't have words, they can tell you are feeling but what is it they cant figure out.

I am a healer, who cant heal myself. I want to heal others but I cant even do that cause, I take on their pain. And then it makes it even worse, for me. I am learning to push energy vampires away from me, only as a instinctive protection plan. They are hard to rid yourself of when they find you. I am dealing with one right now, she will not get the idea that I don't want to be "friends" with her. I have tried to ignore for over a month now and yet she calls and leaves pleading messages, and knocks on my door, calls out to me from my window and worst of all she leans on the that dam door buzzer. She came over after 9:30 last night and did this for over a 1/2 hour. My cats are even disturbed by her presence outside and come to me over and over again. I'm sure she means well, but I can not take on her burdens right now I'm to weak.

Karma and my black heart.

Heart of stone

I will never again let my heart lead the way.
I was stupid to think love, hope and faith was mine to have.
I will be ok once I get over the pain, albeit with a few more deep scars.
My heart is better off being made of stone than of soft flesh.
My heart is stupid, my emotions will never again be ruled by my heart, they will only be run by logic.
I think my heart feeling run to deep and scares guys off.
I will be shallow and uncaring about my emotions.

A heart of stone may be a heavy thing to carry but it is better than carrying the weight of regret.

I speak...

Ever feel?
I don't anymore. I'm tired of the pain it causes my heart. When I was little it was just a pin prick and it has built up to what I felt last night. A stabbing pain that made my breath to be taken from me.

I have always thought I had a poor memory but in truth now that I really think about it, its because I don't want to remember.

I realize that I was not wanted from the moment of birth. I was not the boy my mother wanted. She did not even have a name picked for a girl. She named me after two women I have never met, will never met. Her cousin Jodi, and a women she shared some time with. My mom claims family closeness is of the up most importance. Yet she with what she says the was the closest family ever, I never knew my mothers parents except one visit that I can remember. My aunts and uncles are but names to me, and my cousins well...I could be sitting next to one and never know it. She did not have time to spend with me when I was growing up cause of my other siblings. There and not there (they had been adopted out when they where very little). The ones not there caused her to have a nervous breakdown several times. And the ones that where there well lets just say, my little brother who has ADHD was a handful in himself. My older sister wanted attention and got it. My oldest sister was out of the picture and in her own home before I can remember. Me I was...very quite, I did not like all the noise and confusion that lived in our house. But I wanted, no I craved to be held, to be loved,to feel that I was wanted. I did not press the issue because I did not want to be a burden to my parents more than was already on them.  My dad was a formidable man, I don't ever remember sitting on his lap, or getting more than a little squeeze for a hug and maybe to be blessed with a kiss on the head. I didn't and still don't understand his reluctance to get close.

As I got older I became more and more withdrawn, my mom and dad did not have the funds to give me what I wanted in life for knowledge, or even so petty as the little trinkets I saw in the stores that I would have loved to had. So I did not ask. I know they did not have the funds because that is the main thing that they fought about. See my mother did not understand about money, never had to cause someone else always made sure she had what she wanted. When she took us shopping for stuff for us kids, it became a shopping trip about what she wanted, we never where aloud to pick our own clothes out, or toys for that matter. Decorating our rooms was what she wanted also. The only time I remember being able to pick out something was the carpet for my bedroom once. My dad asked what color I wanted, I picked a deep plush plum colored carpet, she had no choice but to go with the colors I wanted then. Cant put autumn colors in a purple room.

The subject of my health weighs heavy on my mind...
The first time I remember being sick, well not really sick but had a problem was on the first day of school for the 2nd grade. I could not open my eyes, my mother thought I was playing around and that I didn't want to go to school (that was the farthest from the truth, see I wanted out of that house and school was a reprieve). They had glued shut with sleep goo. She had to get my sister to sit with me and hold a wash cloth over my eyes till it softened up enough to pull my lids apart.
When I was  a child the only time I got sick it seemed was in January with a minor cold or at worst the flu. Oh I almost forgot, bloody noses. Seems I have thin membranes in my nasal passages.
When I turned about 12 or 13 I became allergic to Aspirin products.
Then I started to have these horrible pains in my legs, and the doctors looked into ever possible thing including MS, wow that one really scared me. Tests, test, and more tests. They never figured out what was wrong.
When I started my period my mother did not know until I had been having it for about 6 months. she never explained about bleeding, but I knew from my friend telling me about the "the talk" she had with her mother.
My mom did not talk to me about sex either, she was firm in the fact I could not start dating until I was 16. When I did start dating, I was pressed into having unprotected sex because I did not know better.
I became pregnant that year, imagine my mothers surprise. I had an uneventful pregnancy and delivered a beautiful baby boy, that she decided would be her golden child. You see in her little world she raised that baby up from the moment of birth. Yes she helped because I was still in school, but that was for only 6 more months. He is 29 now and I love him very much.
At 19 I had my 4 wisdom teeth and 2 molars removed and was given Motrin and became very ill, I was allergic to it.
I became pregnant again by different man, but this one did not turn out as well. He beat me so badly I lost the baby 6 months into the pregnancy, She would be 27 now.
 I ran away to California to see the state I was born in. I ran with a man who wanted to get out of Texas too. I was his means of transportation, and finances. A year into the relationship I became pregnant with my second son. The pregnancy was also blessedly uneventful.  He will be 24 this year. I love him so much and worry about him always.
It has been 18 years since I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.
It has been 14 years since I had my tonsils removed.
It has been 11 years since I was told I have a tumor on my pineal gland (I was told not worry about this one).

It has been 10 years since my diagnosis of Essential Thrombocythemia.
It has been 9 years since they took my left Adrenal gland, because of a nodule growth.
I had a mental breakdown 8 years ago, to much stress...
I had my Gallbladder removed 7 years ago after being in this hospital for a week and a half with intense pain and the doctors couldn't figure out the problem.
It has been 5 years since I was told I have uterine cancer and had a complete hysterectomy and found out the cervix was involved so several months of radiation would have to be included.

It has been 3 years since I had a lump in my breast, it turned out to be benign.
It has been 2 years since i was diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis  (not cause by alcohol consumption)
I had another mental break this last spring...
Now I have skin problem...I'm tired of being sick.

I have no one to celebrate my mile stones on surviving. I will continue to get ill and be a burden on what family that will acknowledge I exists, only I feel, because I have something they want from me.The pain of loneliness pricks my heart.

I just know that it will not end until I make it end.

I speak yet no one listens...

Brutal Honesty

Am I being slow or is there truly a reason for his inability to contact me. It has been since the fourth of this month that I have heard from him. the last time I sent him a text to tell him goodnight was on the fifth. It is now the nine and not even an e-mail. No voice mail. No text. Am I stupid, and not getting the message. Maybe he is seeing someone else and does not want to hurt me, by saying so. He is the one who wanted Complete honesty. Even if it hurt. He did not want to live in a world of guesses, I did not want to live in that world either. So I agreed to this, and now I feel that there are things going on that he would prefer I did not know about. He seems evasive when we talk, he says he will call and does not. Before he would call all the time, we needed to have that we had nothing else. Now it seems he could do with out me and be just fine, I on the other hand can not. I have not figured it out, is he really there just so "buzy" he can not call, really? Not even text back a simple smiley even when he has a moment. How can someone be so busy that they forget, neglect, undo, the person they claim to have loved. How? )0:

Am I just being slow to except that he no longer needs me, wants me, loves me or even respects me enough to say he no longer wants what we had. That maybe he has found what it is he was looking for. I have told him twice before that I do not do well with being left on wayside waiting for answers. I need to know from the source how things are with us.

Should I continue to wait for his call...or should I draft a letter and ask, and hope that i get an answer. What will I do if that answer is no response. Am I reading to much into this quietness of his, is he truly that busy, that he cant even call me when he is at red light or even on the can?

bru·tal

2  d : unpleasantly accurate and incisive   

hon·es·ty 

2 a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct

   b : adherence to the facts : sincerity

Brutally Honesty that is all he asked for so I copied the definition of them to see if I am clear to its meaning.

Brutal honesty. So Much for that idea, pfffff.

Whatever...

Ever get the feeling your not much of one to get noticed. I get that feeling all the time. The proverbial  wallflower. Yeah you get noticed if someone needs to get something from you. But as soon as that is done, blink you are no more than a shadow in their eyes.

I am confused, I will do anything for family or a friend, no I'm not saying or bragging that my Karma bank is over full but I do try to help when I can. Thou I am getting tired of certain friends becoming leaches because of it.

Maybe I'm just overly tired... It has been a week since I last slept very well. It has also been a bad day.

Again the people who run these apartments have not followed through on there contractual agreements. All I asked for was that they have someone come in and level my air conditioner  and fix the switch in my bedroom so it will operate my lamp. They where to come either Friday or Monday, I scheduled it in the office after the the bug sprayers did not show up on Thursday. I found out then that I was not even on the list to have my apartment done. I was so mad I had set up that appointment with the office the week before, no one came. So I went to the office to complain, "Oh, where sorry" is all I got, "lets reschedule." I told them no, because I did not want to wait for another week to go by cause I was being bitten by something (so the Docs believe) and I had been since I moved in here. I also told them I did not want total strangers in my apartment when I was not there, which means  I did nothing waiting for an appointment that day waiting for an bug sprayer to come that was not even scheduled (?). So while I was there I requested to have maintenance come in and fix those 2 things. No one showed up, again. When I called the office at about 7 min till closing time, Jessica answered, I told her I would like to speak with Emily or Mayra (I'm not sure if that is her name ???). She put me on hold, I waited 17 min, with no response so I called back, of course I got the after hours answering system,  )o:  and since I don't know their extension number or their last names I could not leave a message.  This is the same problem I had just last month when the air conditioner just blew hot air, and the month before that for the same problem of the air conditioner making noise.

My sister calls she is so excited about coming to visit this week. She has quiet smoking, Yeah! I was trying to tell her how bad I'm feeling and all I did was interrupt her train of thought about all the wonderful things happening to her right now. I really needed (still need really) someone to talk to, but I cant make myself reach out. I try and I get run over.

To top all this off my boy friend has not tried to reach me for 3 days. I understand he is busy, but jeez. I text him a few times each day to let him know I'm thinking of him, except for today. Couldn't he have found one minute maybe to send a generic text back to me or something. I don't want to bother him cause I know he is very busy and that he is tired after long hours of work. So I sent him a text saying that I was mad and that it had been 3 days since I had heard from him. He called right away saying he was "Sorry", and that "I" must not have realized just how busy he was going to get. He had time to go to a house auction, but did not have time to let me know he was still alive and all right? He wants to know why I'm so quiet; I'm mad and frustrated, and I'm supposed to be the one talking (????) He even brings up the fact that his Mother thought maybe he was seeing someone cause of his weird hours, he just kinda laughed and told her "No, just I'm working hard". Well don't you think that it might have dawned on him that if his Mom is thinking that, that others might be thinking the same thing? He had to hang up cause he had other things to take care of.

I have called both my sons, its been over a week ago and had to leave messages on their phones. I have not heard back from either of them. I know they are still alive because I have seen them post on face-book.

It just makes me very sad...that again I need someone and there is no one to turn to. Yes I could talk to my Mother, but please, I am just a means to getting the things she needs taken care of done. She too gets upset cause I don't let "her" say everything she has to say first, cause she will forget otherwise. I know that is not probably fair to say but that is how I feel right now. She lives in her own little world.

Don't they understand that if I'm talking I might have something of importance to say, or might even be trying to ask for help... ~No nobody would think that I would be asking for help, I haven't in the past why would I ask for it now.~

Whatever...

Jumping off

So...
I sit here and I wait. What is it I'm waiting for this time this time,  it's to be recognized by someone.

Again I'm waiting, their living. Why do I always put myself on hold. This perpetual feeling of blah. (The mus-ac is horrible).

I don't understand why I do this to myself. Why? When I end up being resentful. I act like an idiot with the little time allotted to me.

I'm tired. Oh, how I hate to utter those two little words. I know the power those words have. What they mean when I say them.

I still think I am not long for this world. I do not belong here, I have never been comfortable with me. Never been comfortable with anybody for that matter.

So...
I wait...for them. Someday soon, it needs to be someday real soon.

I want to be touched...For someone to touch and caress me. Kiss my skin, gently nibble those spots. Whisper in my ear their words of tenderness and desire. Understanding of what I want, what I truly want.

To awaken my spirit, to bring meaning to the moment. Spark that flame...breath life into my soul.

There is more to me than this shell I carry around. No one has ever looked there, no one has ever dared.

Desire of the flesh is no more than the desire of the soul. 

Just deeper, just a little more work on the others part. I want someone to tell me that they desire not just this shell, but my soul. To understand, I guess that this body is not mine. That the love needs to be felt deeper than that.

I am tired of being questioned for my loyalty, my Love, my desires. Can no one believe that I'm true, I'm not out to hurt anybody. Because I'm tired and I need to really feel that I'm wanted and cared for, that I wont be left on the side or manipulated with words to make me feel small. So that they can feel in control. I don't want control, I want to be loved fairly. I want to be cared for fairly. My Soul is old and well it is tired too. Tired of searching for the one who matches us. One who knows us, without knowing us...

I'm tired of my face being wet all the time. I'm tired of the world spinning by and I'm afraid to jump on or is it I'm afraid to jump off?

Pushing and Pulling

I am still unsure how people work. I see a train wreck about to happen been warning about it for at least three months now and WOW the people involved are like "We didn't see that coming.", really? Pride, it is one of those words that when you put it out there to explain something to someone, about something you see going on in their life, they get mad about it. But in the end if you are truly there to observe and not judge or to just criticize you can see the path they are on and are only there as a guide sent by...well whom ever they have has a guardian.

I have tried to help people with things in their life as I can. Maybe I'm to much of an "enabler", I'm a cheering squad, a financial rope, a leaning post, a sounding board, a friend, and a taxi cab driver that asks for no fair. I learned so far on my travels through this world that you must learn to bend with it. Move in the direction it wants you to go, or learn to live in the undertows of which you yourself create.

My heart hurts again. I have family here that I've been trying to help but...I see that "pride" and the inability to "bend" with what life is giving them are hurting them. To hear someone say even in the heat of the moment that they would rather split up their family than try moving where the forces can help them, is unbelievable to me. They look no further than the end of their nose is an understatement. I am not saying nor will I ever say that I am better than anyone one else in than in this world, I have learned to listen and take suggestions to improve my lot in life.

I understand that being stubborn is innate in most of us. But to blatantly snub someone who is trying to only help you is wrong. I just hope they do not want to burn the bridge that is there. They only have to cross it themselves this time. Actually put there hand out for the help, not just to patch it, cause patching is not going to fix their problem. It is not a bandaid situation. What kind of thought pattern is there going on when you'd offer someone your food stamps for twice the going price so you can get a "Name Brand" pack of cigarettes to help you nerves. When you are in the process of losing your home, and having to live in a shelter with your child. And then say unthoughtful things like "I would Never live on this side of town." "If he wants he can live over here and we will find a place over on the other side of town." "My family wont visit me if I live over here, (30 minute drive)." "He has it set in his mind that he can only do one type of work, and wont do anything else." "She wont eat beans, or certain cuts of meat." "Did you know they have extended us with credit so we can get our 'medication' 200.00 worth. (Medical Marijuana, I warned them to not take it, but it to fell on deaf ears so now that they really could use it, the credit is used up)"

I am very upset about this situation and there is nothing I can do to help. Just how far do I need to pull myself out of this mess. I don't want to leave them on the wayside. Bend damn it. I can understand there are certain things in life we all want (that list being different for everybody) but to stand there against the slamming winds of the hurricane to keep those things, instead of walking two feet to a sure source of shelter is beyond me. You can at anytime the world eases up on you go back to your "standards" and enjoy life as you see it. When a child is involved it makes it so much more urgent that you learn your way or the highway don't always work.

How do you tell someone that there is a raging waterfall in front of them when all they will do is look behind them. How do you tell someone?.... I have been burned many times trying to help out when disaster looms, I see it coming I shout out the warnings but no one heads my calls. Or better yet they ask me to assist but when I start putting boundaries about how my help is to assist, they call foul. My help is not there to make their life, cushy comfy, it is only there to help ease the pain of the moment. I do not have the funds to accommodate their comfort and my own. My comfort is a modest one, they will not live better than me while I do without.

She tells me that she is close to  the edge of being able to handle this, I offer my hand once more but I do not move forward to grab her hand, she must be willing to grab mine this time. I truly believe the cosmos is making them understand that bending would be in their best interests. She says no one is in a position to help this time. Everything is falling down around them. They are about to lose everything. (But she needs that cigarette)

I am at a loss as to how to help, really the only thing I can do is sit back and watch the train wreck that is about to happen. I just hope that the baby is OK when all of this is done and said. The wind is blowing and my shelter door is open, only they have to step inside, I will not push or pull.

It Makes Snot

Crying...
re-reading what my bf said to my sister on fathers day, it still hurts so bad the way and the things he said. But I guess this will work as a forgive me letter. Not sure why i want to share this but i need to.

Him: i had a bad day

Her: why?

Him: i thoughts life chit but then cali told me happy dads day i lost it been cry ever since and i was mean to her today :0(

Her: ss she just trying to be nice she knows u dont get see then but u are still a dad ;)

Him: all because i cant deal with my grief

Her: not only is tomorrow fathers day but it wouldve been my parents 51st anniversary. :( we know where you are coming from trust me

Him: i know she dont know im crying she said it when when was going to sleep

Her: i know its a hard time for us all...all we can do is be there for each other best we can

Her: ((((hugs))))

Him: the video was for him really

Her: cool he wouldve loved it

Her: i planted a red maple for my dad and it had now turned into a bush :_(

Him: ss

Her: i guess he doesnt want to be tall anymore

Her: he always was backasswards lol

Her: i cry but there is something funny about it too

Him: i go down stairs and i always look where he sat out of reflex to say hi or good morning or night :0(

Her: and im not gonna tell u it gets easier cuz it doesnt

Her: it just wont hurt as much and ull start to cry at the stupidest thing cuz it'll remind u of him and then ull laugh too

Him: and why do tears make snot  huh?

Her: grief is a strange thing but the biggest hurt will ease

Her: i havent a clue lol

Him: lol ty ana

Her: i hope what i said eases some of the pain u are feeling and let the good memories come thru share them with ur family and friends

Him: i hope your sis dont get tired of sorry cause ive been saying it alot and need to when she awakes lol

Her: just tell her what u told me...i know its weighing heavy in ur heart especially today

Him: i dont want her to hear or see me cry

Her: it wont make u any less of a man but she will not like it if u be mean to her to keep her from hearing ur pain share it we all have that in common

Him: i know copy paste convo for me      hunny im sorry

Her: my dad used to blow his nose everytime he cried to hide it but we all knew lol

Him: and ty for the fathersday i needed to let it out its the reason i was upset just i didnt know till then

Her: its got nasty ways of sneaking up on us huh?

Him: yes im afraid it does

Him: can you copy i suk at it?

Him: he wasnt hiding   it makes snot lol

Him

Her

FUCKING HOPE

There is a terrible anger in me. It hurts my heart and soul. It makes me feel like I don't deserve anything. It makes me be hateful towards myself and others. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what I could do, there are so many ways that I could hurt myself. Finish myself off so I wont feel this gnawing pain.

It is like there is another presence here with me. Inside me. No I don't mean I hear voices. Just another presence that is squeezing me inside.

I feel I don't deserve this, I did nothing to cause this feeling. All I can think about is just finding a way to make it stop the thoughts. The negative thoughts kill me a little everyday, I die in my soul everyday. It eats at me and I feel there is a little less to give to others.

I feel disconnected. I feel that it would be so easy to lose myself in the Cosmo's and and just float away and never look back. I fight everyday just waking up to be me. I could let this presence win and I could get some rest. I'm so tired. Plz someone help me. HELP ME. Should I keep fighting or should I just let go and be free and be free of this pain. This feeling of uselessness, of being a burden to others. I feel I make no contribution to make this world a better place. I'm, a whiner and a complainer. I only let others down and can not seem to follow through on life.

Friends, I have none that I would ever tell this to. Family the same way, I could not even fathom how others would feel if I left this world for the next. Sure they would miss me, but what would they miss. NO ONE knows me!!! Even my own children know nothing of me.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting this thing in me. I just want it to stop, this hurt inside me. I have so many ways to make it stop but I'm scared to follow through.

I feel sick to my stomach most of the time. I'm tired and I'm not going to take those fucking pills anymore... maybe I will die quicker that way. Seeing as how I'm a coward and can't do it myself I know I would feel better faster, if I could just do it.

I'm sorry I did not mean to hurt anyone and I'm sorry for all the things I said I would do and never did, or couldn't.

I'm bleeding again. I'm so afraid. But to tell someone would mean,...what would it mean. No one could help or can help me. I am short for this world. There is only one plan that keeps me here and that's meeting... touching Him. I need to see if it's worth staying in this world. I would never want anyone to know that especially him. I would never want anyone to know that. If it happens, he would be my reason to stay. My soul is looking for comfort. I don't think it's there, but I'm grasping at straws.

IT IS NOT HIS FAULT IF THIS IS NOT MY ANSWER TO STAY.

This Poem I wrote, I can not title it and I wondered when I wrote about it's true meaning...

I flow gently through the water with grace and elegance.

My veils dance about me.

A smooth movement of a blade.

Searching for emotional discharge.

Each glide to a measured beat.

Restless for the moment of truth.

Hesitation for tranquility; I move forward.

A sudden transition of freedom.

Disentangling misgivings from myself.

Freed from the common modes of thinking.

Surprising my grief and pain.

Gratification of the heart.

Peace for my patience.

This poem can mean many things for many different people, but for me it is about dieing. About the deception I show others (my veils dance about me = my masks I wear for others so they do not see my pain). The rest, if you'll read tells it all, my wishes to end this cycle, to stop my pain, my own disappointment in myself.

I am a poor representation of what I want to be for others. I have always been a lonely person unable to share my true-self, I'm not sure why, I think it is mostly I am and have always searched for the one I can trust so implicitly with all my secrets, myself, my former self, and who I'll be next.

I am tired of repeating myself. I just want one person who will listen, not interrupt me while I share me...not tell me they understand when it is plan they do not.

I am scared to meet others not knowing if they too want to suck the life out of me. I'm such an easy target for them. I want so badly to be whole, in my heart and soul.

I hurt inside, I hurt so badly I just want the pain to go away. It exhausts me most days just to be.

I want to have him really understand me. I'm tired and need to be held and comforted. To be truly loved for me. Not what I can do for him physically but what we can do for each other souls (I think that is the best way I can explain it.)

I feel at times that I am not truly a part of this world, just an observer. But I am lonely for my own kind. Soft and gentle spirits. Ones who look for beauty in the black darkness of Hell. One who would help me in the darkness if I was so brave to call out. One I could count on for the peace and tranquility I so crave. I fear I will not find this other. This one who could help me make it through another day in this existence. I so want to let go, go home so I will not be lonely anymore.

I know I'm not "ALONE" here. I know there are others who say they care about my well being (about this shell I carry about). I know they do not understand, could never understand this feeling of detachment I have with this world.

I am the invader of this body, the presence I feel is the true soul that belongs here. I am the death that this body carries and shows itself through disease and sickness. Please help me let go so this soul can continue on its own path. I do not want to be here any longer. I feel I will never find the one who can make me want to stay and deal with this pain, this loneliness, this feeling I don't belong.

So...
I wait, till we can touch. I can not confirm this feeling of hope, dare I even feel this feeling. It is a heart crushing feeling...HOPE. I hate the word. I hate to dream that it is mine to have, cause all it has done for me in the past has disappointed and made me hide more of myself so others can not hurt me anymore.

Forgive me...

Why am i so stupid. Why do i do things that jeopardize my happiness.

All I wanted to know was how he felt. I needed to hear the words. Yes I suppose they say actions speak louder than words, but for me i needed the confirmation with the words. I dont like to assume anything. My fertile imagination causes me more harm than good. I did not think it was asking to much to hear the words that would have eased my mind.

Instead I get told to do what i wanted we had no ties. And when I did it hit me hard in the face, like a good left swing. I wanted him, could he not see that. I got mad when he said we have no ties do what i want. Those are the words i took to heart about our relationship. I thought that is what he was telling me. Instead he was testing me. Why would someone test something like that and not expect bad results. I was being mean to him and to myself. I wanted to hurt him the way those words hurt me.

And I did...In the end it is me who was in the wrong for lack of trying to understand what it was he was saying. I do know one thing, you should never test ones relationship with vague rules. You will not get the results you want. Both will be hurt and the relationship will never be as it once was.

All that i can hope for is that we are able to move past this. My dream one day is that he will trust and forgive me.

Crap

I just dont understand this life time. Why do i seem to continually get stuck doing things that I dont want to do. I was a miserable child growing up. I was so shy i didnt even want to talk to my own family. I tried to fit in as a teenager but the guys looked at me as a lil sister, which really sucked. There is nothing like having a guy you like tell you all about the girl they like. And then to make it worse they would ask my opinion on what would make them like them more. Then I get married to someone I thought loved me... well that didnt work. Then I was alone for a while and learned more about myself, which was hard cause the only time i had for myself was late at night. My day was full of my child school and work, and of course I had to spend time with my mother. Late at night I found I was not a very happy person and i took it out on myself with the decision I was making. I needed to get away from the area and I did. I found another man, who I was using as a means to leave the area. We where together for 22 years. The first 5 years was wonderful. Then due to his injuries he was put on Morphine and it ruined him. He went from being a vibrant person to a miserable man. His sole joy seemed to make others miserable, like he was. I stayed cause I didnt want to start again. I was a very sad person. I thought I was rushing home to be with family and it was really to get stoned to feel numb.
I finally had enough of him. I couldnt do it anymore. The straw that broke my back was when I was hospitalized for my nerves, he asked me when it was his turn to take a "vacation". I was so devastated that again it had to be about him. I left and tried to make a new life in WA state, and my brother was just as much of an ass. I was finally alone and my Mother thought I shouldnt be. So she moved in. Now im stuck again taking care of someone. I dont want to take care of anyone but me. Cant they see this. Im just tired. Please leave me alone.
Now I think i have fallen in love and He doesnt feel that way back, just another chapter in my life, another failure. He likes me for company and maybe to get off, but that is all. No long term commitment there. He will be a good friend but that is all. Why cant i make good choices. Life sucks. Im tired. I dont want to be tired, I know what that means to me. I hate this. Why cant I have a real chance at being happy without fucking it up.
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. I hate this life. I am eager for the next to start. Please let it be soon. 

Fruitless search, or is it?

You know it is a sad situation we are in, when the people who say they love me cant see my pain, the angst of my soul. Why is it they will say they understand, when they don't.  Why do they turn a blind eye and let me muck my way through the darkness. Do they really think that this is all there is to life, to wounder around with no one else to share life's little details, the ups the downs would be so much more tolerable if I just had that other to share it with. It has happened to me again a total stranger has looked in my eyes and mouthed the words "Are you okay?". I wonder if they too are in the same boat as me, an unwanted passenger in a shell we did not ask for or want.

Why do I continue, the pain, the uncertainty just grows each day. At this time in my life I don't think I will find the goal to my quest here. I feel the call to continue on my way, to release this shell. Although, maybe they are just a few more minutes away and this other soul I'm looking for will round the corner and run smack into me.         ~Humph~           Really I'm hanging on cause my soul is tired of traveling looking for...for the one who will give us this comfort, the one who will look at us in the eye and not have to say a word and know everything there is to know, without having to explain myself, to just wrap us in unconditional love that only they can give.

I hear others say it is only in fairy tails that this happens, but I have seen it, been witness many times to the meeting of two perfectly matched souls who have searched for each other. It is a magical thing to witness, to be so near, to feel so much love between these two. I want to be covetous and feel this,  I want that feeling, of sharing utterly pure Love, there is nothing like it you will ever feel, to be so complete to have that feeling of outright contentment.

Is there someone out there in this time and place that is waiting for me? 

Or is this a fruitless search, will it be?