My Black Heart

Ah Oh, here comes that feeling again, that dark shadow that eclipses my heart. I'm in that tail spin falling down into the darkness, hear me cry "help". I awaken at night and feel its weight, a burden that I carry. Knowing that others will never know how or why I feel this way. Shit, I don't even understand it at times, don't know what kicks it off. I am to close to myself to see the triggers, but in this matter I will never be able to back away from the picture far enough to see the cause. I wish there was a way that I could explain it to others so they could help me, bah there is no help for me. The erg to cut is back, to bleed out the pain. It is weird to think that hurting myself will make me feel better.

I don't know why I buy food, I just let it spoil. My freezer is so  full, I cant put more into it. I know I need to eat but when everything taste like crap who wants to put that into there mouth. I have tried very spicy, all the way to bland, sweet and then sour, salty nothing taste different. I know I'm very depressed, probably on the verge of another hospital visit...I wish I could just stay there on meds that make act like a zombie, so I don't have to feel, anything ever again.There is no one to take care of me if I went this route, and I cant stand to have even the thought of having my mother care for me. I have passed this melancholia on to my oldest son, he was just in the hospital for thinking about things that I do. I feel so guilty, I did not show him how to ask for help, I only showed him to hide the feelings. My youngest son wrote on Facebook " .i have really messed up friends and family (immediate, extended can all go to hell, at least on my moms side...i don't like them they are evil)". What things have my ex-husband said to him. Ah, my ex-husband, he could not get along with his family so he made getting along with mine as equally turbulent. My son does not even really know my family, not that I'm sticking up for them cause most of them are fucked up. But his Dad made/makes it very hard for any of them to get close to him. I should have left him when the kids where little. But I cant go back in time, I need to find a way to bridge the gap I created with them. Just don't know how, was taught by example to either hold it in or explode. Neither is conducive to relationships, I know this, but when I open my mouth to ask for help nothing comes out, they only thing that comes out are tears and you cant express yourself to others with them. Cause they don't have words, they can tell you are feeling but what is it they cant figure out.

I am a healer, who cant heal myself. I want to heal others but I cant even do that cause, I take on their pain. And then it makes it even worse, for me. I am learning to push energy vampires away from me, only as a instinctive protection plan. They are hard to rid yourself of when they find you. I am dealing with one right now, she will not get the idea that I don't want to be "friends" with her. I have tried to ignore for over a month now and yet she calls and leaves pleading messages, and knocks on my door, calls out to me from my window and worst of all she leans on the that dam door buzzer. She came over after 9:30 last night and did this for over a 1/2 hour. My cats are even disturbed by her presence outside and come to me over and over again. I'm sure she means well, but I can not take on her burdens right now I'm to weak.

Karma and my black heart.