I have a plan

I cant take living any longer, I'm so tired. I just want to sleep...for ever. I'm tired of hurting me and those around me. I ask for to much, I don't understand how relationships are supposed to work. People ask for honesty but that is not what they really want. They want the soft lies that will make them feel better. They don't want to know how you feel, not really. It is just politeness that causes people to ask how you are. They don't really want to know, they have their own problems they are trying to figure out they don't want to know yours.

Honesty. How I hate this word it ranks right up there with faith and hope. But I suppose if you really look at it those words all fall in the same category, trust. Trust, that is a joke. I don't want to try to trust anyone ever again all it does it hurt me an make another part of my soul hunger for the peace that i so crave. I hate this life, I'm ready to end it so that i may start a new one. Maybe I wont hurt so much, I'm so tired. I cant stand this pain that I feel, this pain that wants me, I don't know why. I don't understand why it follows me. In every relationship I have i can not get away from it. I am so guarded now that I'm afraid to let anyone else in ever. Even small children because they will grow up to become hurtful self-centered adults. I don't want to have anyone, no let me restate that I will not let another person hurt me.

If by my birthday I dont feel better about this world Im leaving it. Why spend another year feeling this way, why spend a life time feeling this way? I will not continue on this path, I would stay but I do not know how to stop the feelings. I'm so tired.

I don't want to hurt anyone, ever. I try to be myself in relationships and this is not what people want of me so I change myself to fit their idea of me. It makes both of us unhappy, the reason they liked me in the first place is because of my free spirit, but I start feeling tied down by the constraints they want me to have. They tell me to be myself that is what they like about me the most, and then get mad cause I do. They tell me to go ahead do what i like they understand and its alright then turn around in almost the same breath and say why are you acting like that. So I subdue myself and then I'm boring and not any fun to be around, what the Hell do they want from me.

I'm tired of living by others time, when its good for them, when its not. Waiting to see where a relationship goes, goes where i wonder? Either you have a relationship or your stringing someone along. Which is it, make the commitment or don't come back and Fuck with me.  Why do I let people do this to me. Why am i not good enough. Someone please tell me.

I'm tired and I have a Plan.

Figuring it out.

I feel like Ive been run over with the same truck that got me before. I don't understand the need to continue this hurt, the feelings of shame and the guilt that I feel is unmeasurable. Why does he ask questions that continue to make me feel he has no trust for me. He was gone for 9 weeks 6 days. He lost his right to question me about the things I do, the people I talk to, and the reasons I talk to them. He has no right to question who I have as a friend. He has no right to make me feel small in his inability to deal with his emotions. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have nothing to be shameful of, I am a good person and deserve to be treated with trust and love in a relationship. He is the one who left me, alone with no answers.

I wonder if he thinks he needs to keep it going just cause of the game. 

Why do I have to feel bad in this relationship. Why does he want to make me feel bad. Why does he continue to questions my friendships with guys, I don't want relationships with other guys. Why does he get to be moody about this. Why do I feel I keep having to explain myself to him. He has lots of friends on here. He has said so himself that he had convos with other girls was after i would go to sleep. Talking to them on ventrilo, a place i choose not to go, because of the past. I don't want this, I don't want to feel like i have to defend myself on a constant basis. I'm tired of crying, I shouldn't have to anymore. He was the who left  me with out a reason, he is the one who will not tell me about those 9 weeks and 6 days. He owes me an explanation for the hurt he caused me,  the pain i felt everyday he was gone. How dare he make me feel small, like  was doing something wrong. I did not disappear, and show up like nothing happened.

Im am tired of being called a lair. Im tired of asking for small things, like having a set date night, seeing each other on google once a week, what song I remind him of or sweet words. He still owes me a poem or two, he says that he put them away and he will get them out and send them to me. Does he even knows what I like, or desire.

Why did he come back really...is it revenge that is best served cold. What does he want just someone to talk to. I can do that, but if he wants more he needs to say it soon. he has 2o days to figure it out. Or I will figure it out for him.

Intuition

People who trust their intuition do not see it as irrational or emotional at all.
They perceive intuition as flash's of insight into the rational mind.

Unfolding the Conscious Mind

 I have always known
the moment of time
unfolding the conscious mind
Visions of time unraveling before me.

De' Javu of you unraveling before me Moving backward, seeing forward


I have always known how to
unfold the conscious mind
Time is just a constricted thought defined by man

My Black Heart

Ah Oh, here comes that feeling again, that dark shadow that eclipses my heart. I'm in that tail spin falling down into the darkness, hear me cry "help". I awaken at night and feel its weight, a burden that I carry. Knowing that others will never know how or why I feel this way. Shit, I don't even understand it at times, don't know what kicks it off. I am to close to myself to see the triggers, but in this matter I will never be able to back away from the picture far enough to see the cause. I wish there was a way that I could explain it to others so they could help me, bah there is no help for me. The erg to cut is back, to bleed out the pain. It is weird to think that hurting myself will make me feel better.

I don't know why I buy food, I just let it spoil. My freezer is so  full, I cant put more into it. I know I need to eat but when everything taste like crap who wants to put that into there mouth. I have tried very spicy, all the way to bland, sweet and then sour, salty nothing taste different. I know I'm very depressed, probably on the verge of another hospital visit...I wish I could just stay there on meds that make act like a zombie, so I don't have to feel, anything ever again.There is no one to take care of me if I went this route, and I cant stand to have even the thought of having my mother care for me. I have passed this melancholia on to my oldest son, he was just in the hospital for thinking about things that I do. I feel so guilty, I did not show him how to ask for help, I only showed him to hide the feelings. My youngest son wrote on Facebook " .i have really messed up friends and family (immediate, extended can all go to hell, at least on my moms side...i don't like them they are evil)". What things have my ex-husband said to him. Ah, my ex-husband, he could not get along with his family so he made getting along with mine as equally turbulent. My son does not even really know my family, not that I'm sticking up for them cause most of them are fucked up. But his Dad made/makes it very hard for any of them to get close to him. I should have left him when the kids where little. But I cant go back in time, I need to find a way to bridge the gap I created with them. Just don't know how, was taught by example to either hold it in or explode. Neither is conducive to relationships, I know this, but when I open my mouth to ask for help nothing comes out, they only thing that comes out are tears and you cant express yourself to others with them. Cause they don't have words, they can tell you are feeling but what is it they cant figure out.

I am a healer, who cant heal myself. I want to heal others but I cant even do that cause, I take on their pain. And then it makes it even worse, for me. I am learning to push energy vampires away from me, only as a instinctive protection plan. They are hard to rid yourself of when they find you. I am dealing with one right now, she will not get the idea that I don't want to be "friends" with her. I have tried to ignore for over a month now and yet she calls and leaves pleading messages, and knocks on my door, calls out to me from my window and worst of all she leans on the that dam door buzzer. She came over after 9:30 last night and did this for over a 1/2 hour. My cats are even disturbed by her presence outside and come to me over and over again. I'm sure she means well, but I can not take on her burdens right now I'm to weak.

Karma and my black heart.

Quaking leaves

The aspen in the mountains are surrendering their quaking leaves to the colors of fall. They give the appearance of rivers of gold between banks of evergreens. Pouring down the mountains into, beckoning pools of multicolor thickets.

9-20-10

Story teller VS Historian

Are you a Story teller or a Historian:
 Preserve the moment exactly or tell about it the way it is remembered.

Historians are interested in what they think are the facts and those thoughts that are relevant to the story.
Story tellers are interested in relaying the meaning of the story.

Historians-strict and only give the visible proof
Story tellers-embellish for emphasis on points or morals.

The only real difference is how they got there education.
Historians got it from the written word.
Story tellers got it from witnessing or word of mouth.

The biggest thing each and every person needs to know is, the victor gets to say what information is handed down.